Two Words to Stop Self-Condemnation
Christine Hoover
I am not sweet. I should be, but I’m not.
That’s what I thought to myself as I pulled into the garage and closed it behind me, sitting safe in the cocoon of my home and free from the opinions of others.
I had just been thinking of someone who is sweet, and how much I love her, and how I wish I were sweeter myself. I couldn’t find a way to hide from all the thoughts, all the condemning thoughts of everything I am not.
If it sounds like I have been through this before, it is because I have. The thoughts speak so loud they seem real and true.
I am not sweet enough.
I am not enough for my friends and my husband. I should be doing more.
I am not mom enough.
I am too much of all the wrong things and not enough of the right things.
I am not a good enough Christian for God to use.
I can’t possibly step out in ways God has gifted me, because everyone will see my failures and weaknesses and take aim.
I have talked to enough women to know I am not the only one that gets stuck in the mire of the “not enoughs.” We are hard on ourselves, quick to point an accusatory finger inward, and prone to believe our condemning thoughts are directed by God himself.
Thinking About Thinking
So what do we do when the low-grade guilt that lurks around our mothering all day becomes loud and insistent? What do we do when comparison sneaks in suddenly and we find ourselves wishing we were something we’re not? What do we do when we’re overcome with feeling “not good enough”?
We must make it a habit to think about what we’re thinking about, in order to refuse to believe every last thought. One of the most helpful and soul-breathing truths in battling the “not good enoughs” is that the Holy Spirit convicts — we don’t convict ourselves.
There is a vast difference between self-conviction and Holy Spirit-conviction. When God convicts, he gets specific with us about our sin. For example: “You were wrong to withhold forgiveness when your friend asked for it.” He uses specific Scriptures. And his kindness toward us leads to a hopeful conclusion of repentance and dependence.
Self-conviction, and the conviction of the enemy, on the other hand, is wide-ranging, condemning, and defeatist. It leads back to self: “Try harder and do better.” I can make lists of action points, write sticky notes to remind myself of those action points, and vow to change myself, but I’ll only end up right back where I started — awash in guilt and condemnation.