A Self-Pity Refresher
Eric Davis
I remember it well. A new, exciting ministry position was up for grabs. Quietly in my mind, I congratulated myself as being the most faithful candidate. Since I “put in my time,” it was a sure thing, so I thought. However, my inflated view of self and self-flattery only set me up for greater disappointment when another person (who I thought was less qualified) was chosen for the position. I couldn’t believe it. I was humiliated, not because it was humiliating so much as I had created my own humiliation by wallowing in my shattered ego. For a few weeks after, I continued licking my wounds as I felt sorry for myself. I created my own misery. And in a narcissistic way, I liked it; it was a nurturing form of self-therapy.
Self-pity: a self-absorbed, feeling sorry for oneself fueled by a high view of self, a low view of God, and an attitude of entitlement.
As I’ve struggled with the sin of self-pity, God has been kind to expose some of its dangers.
The following is a brief refresher on some of self-pity’s dangers:
Self-pity is a real temptation for all of us.
Two big ingredients blend together, which present self-pity as a tasty option: external struggle and internal struggle. Battles outside of us really do leave their scars on us. Life is hard. People get wounded. Sometimes, in unbearable ways.
[iphone-features-self-pity] Additionally, we have a fallen nature which causes an internal battle leading to wrongly-handled hurt and struggle. Whether a large and legitimate hurt, or a small or imagined one, our sin looks to use it for the glory of self. This makes self-pity a constant temptation, and a deep frustration for God’s people as they seek to live for his glory.
Self-pity comes from an internal pride, not external circumstances.
This is not to overlook real, external struggles in any way. But self-pity looks at those struggles and then responds: it is a response to struggle (real or imagined) fueled by the pride of a high view of self. Our circumstances do not force it; they merely present the opportunity. And, if we’re not careful, pride will take the opportunity every time.
For that reason, self-pity is not a morally neutral act. I’ll never forget the first day I heard it. I was sitting in my first pastoral counseling class, when Dr. Stuart Scott said something along the lines of, “Men, self-pity is sinful pride.” An overdue shift occurred in my soul that day. What I always thought was an innocent feeling sorry for oneself had been exposed for what it really is.
In self-pity, pride preaches, “This should not be happening to you. You are so much greater than all of this. You are entitled to enthronement. God is a poor Lord.” And so, we feel sorry for ourselves and the spiral begins.
Of self-pity, Stuart Scott writes, “Some proud people may not come across proud at all, because they are always down on themselves. This is still evidence of pride because one is focused on self and wants self to be elevated. Having a ‘woe is me’ attitude is self-pity, which is pride.” So then, boisterous bragging and quiet self-pity are two sides of the same coin. They both are born from the same mother of pride.